Watch Out: Don’t Lose Yourself
Watching a Sister Lose Herself While Taking Care of Mom
One of the most interesting aspects of writing a book about Caring for Aging Parents is hearing from readers who share their personal stories. One conversation I had was with a woman named Maria, living in the United States, but with family outside the “mainland.” We spoke at length about the idea of siblings sharing in the responsibility of caring for a parent. She shared the story of her sister, who lived near their mother and cared for her 24/7. She made all the decisions about her mother’s care, and insisted she was the only person who could know what was best for Mom. On one hand, as the sibling who does not live nearby, or even perhaps in the same state or country, it may feel like a relief knowing that your brother or sister is close by and can bear most of the weight of caring for your parent. On the other hand, Maria is a very caring and spiritual person, who believes in taking care of oneself - body, mind, and spirit. She expressed her grief and sadness, watching her sister getting so absorbed in caring for their mother that she neglected herself, gained a significant amount of weight, and developed several related health issues. Although their mother has since passed away, Maria’s sister is now close to needing someone to take care of her. Maria worries about her sister as much as she worried about her mother, and feels helpless to do anything.
When a child feels that they are the only person who can care for their parent and no one else is capable, including a sibling, they are actually doing their parent and siblings a tremendous disservice. Some might argue with me, especially those who feel that they alone must care for Mom or Dad. Sadly, I have witnessed this scenario more than once, and it seems that no one wins in these cases, especially the caregiver who sacrifices their health and well-being, not to mention personal relationships, to care for their aging parent. There are lots of scenarios about siblings disagreeing about their parents’ care, and I don’t think anyone can overemphasize the importance of open dialogue and consensus, as well as sharing the care burden. Some sacrifice is necessary, and even reasonable, but we owe it to ourselves to draw a line in the sand about what we will and will not sacrifice.
When I took on the role of caring for my aging mother, I didn’t have a sibling to rely on. My husband was a huge support, but I sought professional assistance wherever possible. For example, after helping my mother in and out of the car to go to doctor’s appointments, I decided that it was something I could no longer do. I couldn’t risk lifting 140 pounds of dead weight and potentially throwing my back out. This didn’t mean that I wouldn’t take her to her doctor’s appointments. Instead, I found a car service that could transport her in a van, in her transport wheelchair, and I could ride with them and take her to the appointment and stay with her. I just didn’t have to bend over to lift her. Fortunately, I could afford to pay the transporter, and it was worth every penny to be able to spend the time with her without worrying about ending up with my own health issues. In fact, she preferred it because she felt safer not relying on me to lift her.
In a weird way, one could almost say that the sibling who insists on doing everything is actually selfish. In the case of Maria, she was left feeling concerned and helpless watching her sister sacrifice her own health to do absolutely everything for their mother. As caregivers, we should employ whatever means we can to avoid doing it all alone, and we should never shy away from asking for help.